Saturday, January 17, 2009

Philip Gray is a Genius

Inauguration Blues, no I'm not goin to DC!
By Philip Gray

Question - Where are all of those buses going? Do all of these folks really BELIEVE they are actually gon get anywhere NEAR the ceremony? Brothers and Sistas, we can't all go to Washington for the ceremony. The city ain't but so big! "D.C." is smaller than Queens.

You wasn't ALL INVITED! I heard of one church that has FIFTY buses going to Washington! Have ya'll all lost yo minds?! FIFTY BUSES! Where they gonna go? AN' you know some our folks don't do well in the cold! What's Sista Jones and her bad hip gonna do standin on the lawn for three or four hours when it's 10 degrees out?

First of all, you know she can't walk from where yall gon hafta leave the bus to where you gon hafta stan', which is gonna be 'bout five MILES from where duh President 's gonna be! An' y'all know ya can't be draggin' all yo lawnchairs, beachchairs, piknik chairs an tables wid cha! You gonna hafta stand all through the ceremony. 'Sides, by the time all them bad hips an' bad knees gits down there to the lawn, the ceremony be 'bout over!

That brings ta mind another thing! Y'all needs to leave on time! This ain't goan be like no church piknik or barbeque, an' it sho ain't gon start two or three hours late like some gospel show. Now Bam is a brotha, but he know how to handle his bizness! He don't run on CP time! Them folks ain't gon stand out in that cold all mornin' waitin for the 10,000 buses and vans comin' from all over to get there. You church folks migh jes as well plan on leaving Sunday mornin' - do all yore singin' an' prayin' on the road! Psalm 95 on I-95! (Check it out - it fits!)

An' y'all best be plannin' on leavin right afta the ceremony. They ain't gon let y'all jes tie up Pennsylvania Avenue all daggone day! I can hear it now: "WOULD YOU PLEASE LEAVE THE LAWN - STEP BACK OFF THE LAWN!"

They ain't gonna wait while 20 million black folks line up to have they picture taken standin' in front of the Capitol. AN' all your marchin' bands, steel pan ensembles, step teams, drill teams, Pee-Wee football, cheerleaders, church choirs, jump-rope teams, Elks, Masons, Bisons, Shriners, Miners, Whiners, Evening Stars, Morning Stars, Falling Stars, Alphas, Deltas, Sigmas, Kappas, Phi Beta Slammas, and fine Gamma Hammas cannot ALL be in the pararde.

If you ain't got an invitation ALREADY, you ain't invited! So jes plan on goin' down, an' soon as you inside the city limits - get off the bus, take your pictures and LEAVE, cause with alla you peeples tryin to git there at the same time, the closest you likely to get to the capitol will probably be Baltimore in the north and Richmond to the South! Make sure that you SCHEDULE your time off, an' that includes Wednesday, Thursday and Friday. Brack can't be callin' all your employers, an' being stuck in traffic on I-95 comin' from the Inauguration don't get you no kinda administrative leave!

One other thing - remember "back-in-the-day" when we was all still upset about racism in America, an' many of us was convinced that THE MAN was constantly plottin' our extermination?! Remember when everything was seen as an act of racial GENOCIDE!

Welfare Reform; requirements that college athletes meet academic standards to be eligible to play; the DISPROPORTIONATE number of brothas in PRISON; drugs; raising academic standards; even birth control! Well, just suppose there was a way to get ALL of the black people together in one place at the same time. Then it would be relatively easy to get rid of them. Well, as it seems like just about every black person in America is plannin' on bein' at the Inauguration, you don't suppose that all of this could be part of some sinister MASTER PLAN to get rid of black people, do you?

For mysef, I plan on stayin' home that day an' watchin' everything on the tee-vee. l 'll probably see mo of it than any of y'all. Besides, all that aroma of all that perfume, hair stylin' chemicals, curried goat and fried chicken on a bus for 16 hours would drive me plum crazy. On the other hand, I might jes go down to the church that mornin' an' make a few bucks sellin' some brown-paper-bag-gourmet-food. Besides, there's gotta be at least ONE person left to tell about all this.

Anyway, I hope you have a great time and keep Brack an' his family in your prayers! Oh yeah, remember - Jan 20, 2009 @ 7:30 p.m. sharp! No matter where you are, or what you doin' - it's time for the National Electric Slide!

Slide to the Left! Slide to the Right! Now ev ree bo dee clap yo hands!

Sunday, December 21, 2008

The Hairdresser

Oh my God.

I love my new hairdresser.

She was confident and Bad Ass.

She had this assistant and was like a surgeon.

Hands on her hips, then hand out

"Millimeter comb!"



Damn she had command of the room.

And she was like, " You are my new client and I guarantee you wont ever go to the old hairdresser after today. Get up and go to make-up!"

I hadn't actually asked for make-up, but I got my ass up and went

She was cool like that

If I weren't already bad ass myself, I would want to be her.

Thursday, December 4, 2008

Declaration of War

Hear ye, Hear ye

I'm taking my shit back. Yeah that's right. Your time is up.

Just because I got girly and sentimental and vulnerable, it did not give you the right to attack. In fact, that you had to wait for me to show an ounce of feeling to strike, makes me laugh Out Loud.

Did you think that I couldn't handle it?

Did you think that I was going to hide from you forever?

Did you think I wouldn't come back twice as strong and trice as Bad Ass?

Rising to challenges is what I do.
You played the wrong card with me. I expected more from an adversary such as yourself.

I will love. I will love. I will love.

And I will hold my head high while doing it.

I will not hide.

I am declaring war.
On you.
And my army will follow me into battle.
And they have names.

You have 24 hours to pack up and get the fuck out.

24 hours.

This is me being nice.

Sunday, November 30, 2008

I'm Such a Girl

Yeah, I cried...

And I made my husband watch, like, 3 times.

He is currently walking around the house humming the tune of this song.

Thursday, November 27, 2008

Weather Gods

Dear Weather Gods,

I would like to just remind you that I live on the Italian Riviera where 'winter' is just supposed to be a figure of speech.

I dont know, just in case you forgot, or something.



Ps Happy Thanksgiving!

Looking Forward

He looks innocent, doesnt he?

But I recently received the following mail from my Rockstar Friend Philip Gray and my future flashed before my eyes.

My husband has already commited at least 3 of the following crimes. It's only a matter of time before the others are accomplished...Plus some.

God help me.


This is why women should not take men shopping against their will.

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunately, my wife is like most women - she loved to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Wal-Mart:

Dear Mrs. Samsel,

Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Samsel are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

2 . July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away. '

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him, he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.10. September

10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least .

15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!'

Monday, November 24, 2008

Madison is...

So I'm one of those Facebook junkies. I don’t play those awful games or take those lame tests (unless I'm so bloody bored that finding out my personality job is "nurse/doctor" is like a zen revelation)...

But I do get a kick out of receiving up to the minute data about where my long lost friends are and what they are doing in their lives.

I too enjoy updating my status.

Mostly cuz I think I'm wicked interesting and everyone is dying to know what I'm doing...

But partially because it gives me the opportunity to reflect for a moment where I am in life at that very second.

So today I was sitting there, with a blinking curser

Madison is...

And there were waves of nothing-ness, then optimism, then sadness, then regret, then embarrassment, then reality, then grit, then reflection, then disappointment, then sheer panic and anxiety that I couldn’t even figure out what I was.

Madison is...

Just not able to deal with this today.

Madison will deal with this tomorrow. Or maybe not.