Saturday, January 5, 2008

Smokers of the World

I'm gonna say it. You may or may not like it, but I'm gonna say it anyway, and I'm gonna say it so that there are absolutely no questions about my opinion on the subject.

Smokers of the World...

You Can Kiss My Fat Black Ass

There are no exceptions here. I may like you as a person, but know that the moment you turn your back, I will roll my eyes and I might even talk shit about you.

It's because you stink. You physically smell bad. No breath mints or Fabreeze will ever change that. You aren't fooling anyone. You smell like an ashtray no matter how careful you are about concealing it. Its like the zit on my chin. There is cover up on it, but we all know the deal. I popped it this morning when I shouldn't have.

But closet smokers are not my biggest itch. It's those of you who just smoke openly like you own the bloody earth. I've been in such a bitchy mood about this recently, that Ive started a little revolution. Every time someone near me starts smoking, I pick up my mobile and start fake screaming a conversation. I fake scream the conversation to the point of utter annoyance. Oh, I'm sorry, am I bothering you? Am I disturbing your moment? Am I giving you a headache? Funny how that works...

Excuse me? What? Oh, I can just move if I don't like your smoke? I Was Here First, Bitch. YOU MOVE!

Oh, and those of you you say "Do you mind if I smoke?" Lets see...Do you mind if I fart? I just ate a burrito with questionable beans and I've got one bubbling up. I realize that not everyone likes the smell of ferocious farts, so thats why I'm asking before I let all hell break loose. So do you mind?

And before you make yourself sound stupid with a self righteous response to this, just be aware that getting defensive only proves my point further. The only time people get defensive is when they are wrong and they feel that they are being attacked. So lets be clear, You are wrong and I am attacking you. You have no legitimate defense. You know it's a bad habit, you know you are addicted and you know it is annoying and harmful to others. You continue to do it because a) You couldn't give a crap about what you do in life and its effect on others or yourself; b) you know, but you "can't stop"; c) You don't actually believe smoking is bad

a) Good, at least fess up to the fact that you are a bastard. I'll give you credit for that. I'm not here to transform anyone, just call things like they are.

b) Crack heads can stop smoking the pipe, so give me a God Damn Break

c) Go shack up with the President of Iran because in his crib gays dont exist and the holocaust didn't happen either...

Did I miss anything?

Party People, Let me know...


Anonymous said...

Thank you for that! You have just succinctly and descriptively put into words what I think about smokers. And you made me laugh while doing it! p.s. I've got a zit on my chin with cover up right now, too. All day long people have been talking to it and I just want to lightly touch their wrist and interrupt them, say "yes, I know that zit is there. But please just pretend with me that it is no longer visible."
Thank you.

Laurie Y. Burke said...

Oh hell yes!

I am in California and am happy to report smoking bans are taking over. The whole town of Calabasas banned smoking.

The in your face phone idea. Brilliant.

Nathaniel said...

President Obama smokes