The Hairdresser

Oh my God.

I love my new hairdresser.

She was confident and Bad Ass.

She had this assistant and was like a surgeon.

Hands on her hips, then hand out

"Millimeter comb!"

"Scissors"

"Brush"

Damn she had command of the room.

And she was like, " You are my new client and I guarantee you wont ever go to the old hairdresser after today. Get up and go to make-up!"

I hadn't actually asked for make-up, but I got my ass up and went

She was cool like that

If I weren't already bad ass myself, I would want to be her.

Declaration of War

Hear ye, Hear ye

I'm taking my shit back. Yeah that's right. Your time is up.

Just because I got girly and sentimental and vulnerable, it did not give you the right to attack. In fact, that you had to wait for me to show an ounce of feeling to strike, makes me laugh Out Loud.

Did you think that I couldn't handle it?

Did you think that I was going to hide from you forever?

Did you think I wouldn't come back twice as strong and trice as Bad Ass?

Rising to challenges is what I do.
You played the wrong card with me. I expected more from an adversary such as yourself.

I will love. I will love. I will love.

And I will hold my head high while doing it.

I will not hide.

I am declaring war.
On you.
And my army will follow me into battle.
And they have names.

You have 24 hours to pack up and get the fuck out.

24 hours.

This is me being nice.

I'm Such a Girl

Yeah, I cried...

And I made my husband watch, like, 3 times.

He is currently walking around the house humming the tune of this song.

Weather Gods

Dear Weather Gods,

I would like to just remind you that I live on the Italian Riviera where 'winter' is just supposed to be a figure of speech.

I dont know, just in case you forgot, or something.

Sincerely,

MAds

Ps Happy Thanksgiving!

Looking Forward

He looks innocent, doesnt he?

But I recently received the following mail from my Rockstar Friend Philip Gray and my future flashed before my eyes.

My husband has already commited at least 3 of the following crimes. It's only a matter of time before the others are accomplished...Plus some.

God help me.



BANNED FROM WAL-MART

This is why women should not take men shopping against their will.

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunately, my wife is like most women - she loved to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Wal-Mart:

Dear Mrs. Samsel,

Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Samsel are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

2 . July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away. '

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him, he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.10. September

10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least .

15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!'

Madison is...

So I'm one of those Facebook junkies. I don’t play those awful games or take those lame tests (unless I'm so bloody bored that finding out my personality job is "nurse/doctor" is like a zen revelation)...

But I do get a kick out of receiving up to the minute data about where my long lost friends are and what they are doing in their lives.

I too enjoy updating my status.

Mostly cuz I think I'm wicked interesting and everyone is dying to know what I'm doing...

But partially because it gives me the opportunity to reflect for a moment where I am in life at that very second.

So today I was sitting there, with a blinking curser

Madison is...

And there were waves of nothing-ness, then optimism, then sadness, then regret, then embarrassment, then reality, then grit, then reflection, then disappointment, then sheer panic and anxiety that I couldn’t even figure out what I was.

Madison is...

Just not able to deal with this today.

Madison will deal with this tomorrow. Or maybe not.

Nearest Book

Rules:
* Grab the book nearest you. Right now.
* Turn to page 56.
* Find the fifth sentence.
* Post the sentence in the comments and then these instructions on your blog.
* Don't dig for your favorite book, the coolest, the most intellectual. Use the CLOSEST.

I Remember...Again*

I remember my life in America.

I remember the looks I would get. You don't belong here.

I remember walking to my friends house in Darien Connecticut and being repeatedly pulled over by the police and being repeatedly asked where I was going and who I worked for.

I remember food shopping when a woman cut in line. I remember my mother pointing it out and the woman responding, “Niggers think they own this place”. I remember wondering what the word Nigger meant but being too afraid to ask.

I remember being encouraged by my hippy English teacher to enter into a Shakespeare recitation contest. I remember preparing and pouring my heart into it. I remember an elderly woman with a sweet smile and silver hair coming up to me at the end and congratulating me on my bravery. I remember her looking me dead in my eyes, hands on both of my shoulders and telling me to go home and tell all of my friends about what I had done. She had assumed I was from the Ghetto. I was raised in private schools in Marin County California and Fairfield County Connecticut. I remember wishing she had just told me I had done a good job and left it at that.

I remember telling everyone my father was dead because I was too embarrassed to be just another Black kid who's father wasn't in her life.

I remember falling in love and being told that it was not suitable for me to be anything other than her son's friend. I then remember her smiling and offering me cookies.

I remember my mother telling me that I would have to work twice as hard as all the others. I remember her saying that while I will always be seen, I will never be recognized or rewarded. I remember her being right on far too many occasions.

I remember the surgeries, the pain, the seizures.

I remember giving up on it all.

I remember my mother by my side.

I cant do this.

Yes You Can.

I remember leaving this earth. It was not like they said. There was no light. It was calm and dark and I could hear the surgeons speaking

I cant stop the bleeding.

I cant control the pressure.

I remember thinking

Yes You Can.

And when I came back, I remember my mother words

You did it. I knew could.

I remember loosing all hope in America. I remember not caring anymore. I remember giving up, never to return home again.

Then I heard the words again...

Yes We Can.

And I heard the song and the speech and for a split second I stood in my stance, with my hands on my hips and head held high...

Because for the 1^st time EVER IN MY LIFE...

I was proud to be American. I was proud of my country. I was moved. I was fundamentally part of something that I was so far from. Part of a country I have always felt separated from.

I can put aside everything for a real movement. Those shivers that run up and down my spine are not those of fear. They are those of excitement.

There has been a vast aura of inspiration rotating recently.

People are fighting the odds.

The power to inspire.

Can you feel it?

Yes, I can.

*Originally posted February 10th, 2008 by Bunkamadison

Scenario 2

Obama loses.

Fine he is up in the polls. But everywhere you look, read and hear, there are those who say “The polls are not reliable...Don't trust the polls”

In other words, don't be surprised if Obama loses because we have been warning you and preparing you for weeks.

Most black people know this and are already waiting for this.

But all the same, I feel the need to say a few things...

Black People...

Please don't riot. It's dumb and you usually end up tearing up your own shit.

Please don't pull any white people out of their cars. You have done it before and it didn't work.

Please don't just Not Show Up For Work. You know your ass is broke and your white boss is already gonna be scared of you. Just go and be good and don't give anyone any excuse to fire your you.

Don't gather in groups except for at church. Even then be sure to to only let a few people walk out the door at a time. More than 10 of your could easily be mistaken as a racial riot and it's silly to spend the night in jail over a misunderstanding.

Don't try to play the victim. You didn't lose the election, Obama did. Understand that this has nothing to do with you.

At the end of the day, remember that an Obama loss isn't a major disaster. Your life will continue in the same way that it had done before. Except now, you may get a second look. Use that to your advantage. Don't throw it away on crap you have tolerated all your lives.

Scenario 1

Dear Racists,

It's looking much better for Obama these days.
The Economy is crap.
And my Euro is down.

I'm not a very happy camper.

We don't like Obama. He is scary and he can't be trusted because...Well, he is Black and his name is Barak Obama.

But listen to McCain when he tells you not to actually articulate that OUT LOUD. It's ok to think it, but if you say it...especially On Tape, you kinda shoot yourself and the whole campaign in the foot.

So please keep your cousins and crazy uncles under control, or better yet, don't let them out of the house until Nov 4th.

And if in the worst case scenario, Obama does actually get elected, for God's sake, don't go out and try to shoot the guy yourselves. That would reflect terribly on the Republican Party.

Besides, there are perfectly competent government officials and high level international business corporations who are far more equipped and able to take care of those sorts of things.

If you feel you must do something in protest, I suggest organizing yourselves. Not to be productive in anyway, but to sit around, drinking beer and blaming the end of the world on Barak, Blacks, Liberals and illegal immigrants.

Be sure to always speak in font of your children so that they understand from an early age that although economically in the same boat as their darker counterparts, they are innately superior by birthright, and have been unjustly robed of their inheritance.

It will be important to use all of your energy being a victim and pointing your finger.
It will be imperative that you throw in your towel and refuse to cooperate with Those People.

This will enable you, at the end of the day, jobless, penniless and destitute, to blame your condition on the government. To rightfully, as True Americans, revolt against its inherent oppression and reverse racism- to fight for your rights as your forefathers had done.

Your targets will be clear. Their uppity attitudes and air of entitlement will burn you from the inside out. And they will almost look down on you as losers. Them looking down on you in a country your fathers, grandfathers and great-grandfathers created.

The loose-knit community that threatened in the late 80's and early 90's will come together once again under a uniform umbrella of what is familiar and what looks and sounds like 'Us'...And together, finally united and organized, the war will be waged.

Who knew WWIII would look like this?

Houston...

Houston, we have a problem...



and if you can stomach it...



The Eminem of Anti-Racism

Blacks can't believe he stole their song and is more respected and famous for it

Whites sit down and listen as if he invented the concept himself...

The Bailout

I was in the process of writing up something similar, but this guy sums it up best...


Subject: Bailout

I’m against the $85,000,000,000.00 bailout of AIG.

Instead, I’m in favor of giving $85,000,000,000 to America in a We Deserve It Dividend.

To make the math simple, let’s assume there are 200,000,000 bonafide U.S. Citizens 18+. Our population is about 301,000,000 +/- counting every man, woman and child. So 200,000,000 might be a fair stab at adults 18 and up...

So divide 200 million adults 18+ into $85 billon that equals $425,000.00. My plan is to give $425,000 to every person 18+ as a We Deserve It Dividend.

Of course, it would NOT be tax free. So let’s assume a tax rate of 30%. Every individual 18+ has to pay $127,500.00 in taxes.That sends $25,500,000,000 right back to Uncle Sam. But it means that every adult 18+ has $297,500.00 in their pocket. A husband and wife has $595,000.00.

What would you do with $297,500.00 to $595,000.00 in your family?

Pay off your mortgage – housing crisis solved.
Repay college loans – what a great boost to new grads.
Put away money for college – it’ll be there.
Save in a bank – create money to loan to entrepreneurs.
Buy a new car – create jobs.
Invest in the market – capital drives growth.
Pay for your parent’s medical insurance – health care improves.
Enable Deadbeat Dads to come clean – or else.

Remember this is for every adult U S Citizen 18+ including the folks who lost their jobs at Lehman Brothers and every other company that is cutting back. And of course, for those serving in our Armed Forces.

If we’re going to re-distribute wealth let’s really do it...instead of trickling out a puny $1000.00 ( “vote buy” ) economic incentive that is being proposed by one of our candidates for President. If we’re going to do an $85 billion bailout, let’s bail out every adult U S Citizen 18+!

As for AIG – liquidate it. Sell off its parts. Let American General go back to being American General. Sell off the real estate. Let the private sector bargain hunters cut it up and clean it up.

Here’s my rationale. We deserve it and AIG doesn’t.

Sure it’s a crazy idea that can “never work.” But can you imagine the Coast-To-Coast Block Party!

How do you spell Economic Boom?

I trust my fellow adult Americans to know how to use the $85 Billion We Deserve It Dividend more than I do the geniuses at AIG or in Washington DC.

And remember, The Birk plan only really costs $59.5 Billion because $25.5 Billion is returned instantly in taxes to Uncle Sam.

Ahhh...I feel so much better getting that off my chest.

BirkT. J. Birkenmeier, A Creative Guy & Citizen of the Republic

The Apology

Dear Racists,

I owe you an apology. Through the many emails and comments from both my Facebook friends and Blog readers alike, it has been brought to my attention the aggressive, offensive and confrontational nature of referring specifically to White Men in my writings.

Moreover, just using the term 'White Man' has created a race based tension that I neither desire nor condone. The use of this term has, regrettably, led my readers to be reactionary and defensive, thus not allowing them to read with the ease and comfort that I have tried to provide.

I would like to redeem myself by no longer using the term 'White Man', henceforth referring to such group as Americans*. Because this great nation, inhabited and run by Americans, does not deserve to be judged on its past indiscretions, but on its current and future policies and ambitions. And as I'm sure all Americans will agree, this is now a nation of equality and opportunity for all who work the difficult path to achieve it. The mere fact that Sen. Barak Obama is a viable Presidential candidate is proof alone of that.

Furthermore, as true Americans, defending your borders, your economic structure and your values are tasks second to none. Terrorists, or those not willing to support and fight with Americans must answer for their treachery. Socially, people must be economically responsible for themselves, producing an environment beneficial to all Americans. Large corporations, with the wisdom and guidance of our most prominent Americans, must be given the ability to operate in this global market. Thus, providing jobs to countless Americans across class lines, who will in turn, contribute to the tax system that will support the American interests necessary to maintain the dominance it currently holds. Americans also hold values of family, religion and culture that are fundamental to the integral structure of the community. All true Americans have the right to hold and project these values to maintain not only a society which answers to a hight power, but one who is able to make the tough decisions necessary to promote and ensure its very existence.

So I ask you to think hard during the election process. I have come to realize that this is much less about my shopping spree and far more about who you think will truly represent the Americans all around this country. Its about the Americans sitting at their kitchen tables worrying about how they are going to get to the end of the month.

Who has the best interests of those Americans in mind?

Only one can claim this. Only one is a true patriotic American.

Vote McCain.

The future of Americans all over this great nation depends on it.


*For those less offended by the use of 'White Man' feel free to substitute it for the word 'American' throughout this text.

God's Will

Dear Racists,

I think it is wonderful that pathetic women everywhere are trying to live their lives vicariously through Sarah Palin.

Being hot with a vagina and a brain is not always easy.

As someone who has risen to the top countless times and in countless countries not just based on my brains alone, I welcome the increasing number of you women who choose a surrogate as opposed to strapping on a pair of balls yourselves and making things happen.

Since you will never be strong enough to take the risks, make the decisions, and step on the heads needed to get ahead, it is very important for you prop those of us up who can.

Because, while your appearance and lack of focus may hinder your goals, we have been blessed by God with our bodies and our smiles and our ruthless desire to succeed. I believe it is his will. Seeing yourself in us is Gods way of numbing your pain.


Vote McCain.

You don't have to be hot and successful yourselves to be a part of the movement. You just have to close your eyes and pretend to be.

Sell Out

Dear Racists,

This one is for the Black Folks in the crowd.

What? You thought you were immune? Think again.

Now I've noticed that you have all been a bit quiet as of late.

I kinda feel like y'all are laying low, so as not to get into any trouble or draw any unnecessary attention to the community.

I just wanted to take a moment and point out a few things that maybe you haven't thought through yet.

Some of you think that if homeboy gets the seat, you will be drinking champagne in the CEO's office in no time. That you will get a voucher and a free pass.

I hope you all realize that if Barack is elected, You are all going to have to step your game up about 10 notches. In other words, all those “Sell Out Mo' Fo's” will now become your role models and mentors.

You will actually have to take responsibility for yourselves, and plan long term financial goals.

Your bling and Benz will end up on Ebay in an effort to get out of debt.

You will not only be expected to sing, dance and play sport, but ALSO study and GET A JOB.

You will be expected to speak English.

And when you speak, you will have to Lower Your Voice...

You will have to open a bank account, and put money into it.

If you have a bank account, you will have to also open a savings account...And put money into it.

You will have to take care of and be responsible for your children.

And if you find that mentally and financially difficult, you will have to STOP HAVING THEM.

You will have to make money the hard and slow way and work twice as hard doing it.

In other words, you will have to get to work ON TIME at the least, and always leave late. And you will always have to remember that a 15 minute break, is only 15 minutes.

You will have to learn the difference between being on the offense and being strategic.

And you will have to flush all your bitterness and mental barriers down the toilet, because they won't hold up anymore.

Not with a Black President.

You haven't had the kind of headache that you are looking at once Barack raises the bar on you asses.

Trust me. Vote McCain

Better yet, just grab a 40 and don't bother voting at all.

Momma's got her eye on a new designer handbag.

One Drop

Dear Racists,

Actually, let me be more specific in this situation.

Dear White guys,

It seems that you have found yourselves in a tough position. On one side you have a White woman that could rip your balls off, and on the other a Black guy...Both equally scary.

It's sad that you may never get a job or promotion again.

For Women and Minorities, the decision will be between two men. For you, the choice will be between a Black guy and a White woman*.

I bring up the race of the candidates, because I kinda feel like you are forgetting that Barack is a Black Man. Now, I know it has been a bit confusing for some of you. I mean, Barack's mother was White, and he was raised by his Midwest White grandparents. The guy even went to Harvard. You may feel like it would be okay to let him pass.

But I need to remind you of the 'One Drop Rule'. This rule states that no matter what the person has done in their lives or what they look like, if they have one drop of Black blood, they are Black. No exceptions. It doesn't matter that he may be able to relate to you better than he can to me. You need to remember that when all the smoke clears, he is Black and Black is BAD.

And don't forget, his mom may have been White, but his Dad was like super Black. We are talking African Black.

This guy barely even shows up in photos, kinda Black...







I need you to think of this man when you think of Obama. It will make things easier for you.


Also, please remember that the woman can be knocked out with one good sucker punch. And remember, you will always be able to find a way to use her kids against her. But those Black guys tend to be more difficult to fight.

Plus, he probably has a bigger penis than you.


Vote McCain.


Mamma also needs a new pair of boots.





* Dont believe me? Check out this forum on NPR. Listen to the whole thing and start being honest with yourselves.

Making the right choice

Dear Racists*,

I've changed my mind.

I think McCain is a great choice. Please elect him.

You see, I'm coming to NY for New Years' and I REALLY want to do a lot of shopping.

I've been watching the exchange rate's future forecasts and I'm getting a bit worried. You see, the Euro is expected to drop against the dollar down from $1.45 to $1.20 and that's just not acceptable.

Honeslty, things arent that bad. Plus, McCain and Palin are real mavericks. So I think they will really, like, do other things, like, you know...

We need to get back on track.

We need to remind the world that we are a God fearing country, with big cowboy hats and bigger guns.

We need to get my Euro back up to $1.60.

Terrorists are bad bad bad.

Big government is Satan without a disguise.

And most importantly, Democrats are inexperienced Muslim loving sexists.

For Gods sake people, strap on your guns and go blow something up!

Momma needs a new pair of shoes!

*I have recently been lured into the name calling game, but since 'Sexist' has already been claimed, I've opted for this one.

Keeping Up Appearances

First off, let me say that I am not a political person at all. In fact, even though I'll vote for Obama (if I can figure out how to use the absentee ballot), you will never hear me chanting any propaganda from any political party.

But let’s get to what will inevitably piss someone off, but is what in the back of our minds and what most of us are thinking...

Palin is never gonna get the ticket elected.

Why?

For the same reason that Hillary couldn’t get the nomination.

Because they are women? Not entirely.

I don’t care what anyone says, but the only reason why Hillary didn’t get the nomination is because dear old Bill made a damn fool out of her and she never publicly bitch slapped his ass. Instead she smiled and played the role of the supportive wife.

Now, we all know that behind closed doors poor Bill had wished he had never born, but the public didn’t see that. The public saw her smile and be supportive like a good wife and a good woman should. Staying in her place, keeping up appearances.

Now, she has already got the strike against her for being a woman...

Add in subservient and where she ended up was no surprise.

On to Mrs Palin. You and I both know she has taken that little girl of hers and hung her out the window by her ankles in an effort to shake some sense into her. We also know that Levi looks over his shoulder a lot more than he probably used to.

And most importantly, we all know that Sarah Palin would like nothing more than to get up on stage and say that her dumb ass daughter has screwed everything up for everyone. She would also like to drag her little pregnant ass up there beside her and force her to apologize publicly for being so stupid.

But she couldn’t. Instead she had to play the part of the supportive mother and stand beside the one person who has disappointed her the most in the world. She had to stay in her motherly place and keep up appearances.

America is nowhere near open-minded enough to accept a woman who can’t keep their home in order. I don’t care what she has accomplished and who she has stood up to. If her family is f$&cked up that’s all that matters.

And don’t even TRY to tell me that it is normal for a mother to be proud of 17 year old girl who is 5 months preggers AND who will GET MARRIED to the genius who doesn’t even know how to put on a condom...

Nobody trusts a woman whose kids or husband have stepped severely out of line WITH NO REPROCUSSIONS.

I don’t make the rules.

It is what it is.

I'm not gone

I do have a plan. Ive taken this off my homepage because I was getting a bit scattered. I have a huge new project in the works. Bad Ass collaboraters are at my side. I havent been here because I've been there with them.

Not only that, but I got hit with the creative bug again and so any spare time I get goes into my little stories over on BunkaMadison.

So stay in touch, stay informed and stay tuned for Esser-Ci.

Lightning

I am Bad Ass and I am the best person for the job, but the fact of the matter is that lightning just does not strike twice. Not in the same spot, at least.

And since Miss Brooke got word today that she has been approved for a government position in Korea with one of those sick expat contracts most normal people can only dream of...Well, the likeliness of my phone call being anything other than grim isnt very high.

Im not talking fair, Im just being statistically realistic. There is no way two people in the same household can both get their dream jobs in the same week.

Basically, I'm screwed.

Ps Please let this not be a reflection on how absurdly proud I am of my Miss Brooke who never gave up and never gave in. She is the definition of Bad Ass and whether I ever admit it or not, my idol.

Annoyed...Again

Seriously party people. I realize that I'm in a particular situation when nerves are high, but I'm really annoyed.

I was sitting here writing my heart out (shut up..I was attempting to share) when I decided to take a break and check my Google Reader. At that very moment, I was feeling particularly nervous about sharing my vulnerability. Petuna Face has it down. I'm just an apprentice. But I was set to let it out and publish.

And what did I see in dear old Google Reader? None other than Decorno's ingenious story about pretty much exactly what I was writing only 50 times better. So now, not only am I her stalker, but I'm also a big fat copy cat without any originality, who is suffering from the same bloody anxiety as the rest of the world, making what I was gonna say completely lame.

So, to stick my moving story into a nutshell...

I feel like I'm going to vomit on myself. I should hear something back from my 'dream job' by the end of the week. Even if I dont get it, I'm glad I tried.

There. Done.

Ps. I was trying to create a link to the posting Decorno did, but it seems to have been taken off. Decorno if you read this, post it again. It was good.

Interview (double post)

So my interview for...


...is on Friday. On the US website 'casual business' is listed under office attire. But I'm going for an HR managerial position (not a sales position in a shop, pleeeaaaaassse!) in Italy. So I'm thinking of going Diva Casual. I just made that up, so I'm not sure what it means. Not a suit, but not jeans either.

Something like this?

All Black with a big bag that pops?...

...Or simple with a jacket that stands out?

...Or the classic Black and White?

...Or what about bold and carefree like this?

all photos from the brilliant Sartorialist

And whats the rule on wearing the label to the interview? Should I absolutely avoid wearing anything LV? I mean, if someone came to my office wearing anything with my company's name on it, I would write them off as a completely challenged.

Input please!!!

PS, Ive also decided to post this here to get as much help as possible! Original post at BunkaMadison

Inspire Me

I'm feeling bored and non creative. Sometimes I forget that I live in an AMAZING place. So If you had the chance to visit or live in Italy, where would you go and what would you do?

How would you dress?

What you would expect?

What shops would you want to wander around?

Think Party People! I will do your suggestions (within reason) and post about them.

The Bribe

I think I may have inadvertently accepted a bribe today. Its not the first time I've been offered a bribe. I do live in Italy, remember. But its the first time I took it (Which I didn't really realize until later). The problem is that I'm not quite sure what I'm supposed to do. Not in terms of keeping the gift or not. Its gorgeous and its mine now. But I don't know what I'm supposed to do. From what I can gather from the personality of the person, its as simple as keeping my mouth shut. Will keep y'all posted.

Be Nice

So today, A strange thing happened...

I was in a rush and late and having to make small talk with about 15 people at the same time about their winter breaks. I needed to get a ton of things done to make sure everyone was in the right place. I was smiling, but very distracted. I finally got everyone out of my office and began explaining things to a new hire. It was then that I noticed someone standing in my doorway and smiling.

Cindy (that's not her real name) is a quiet woman and I've always felt she has had more to say and offer than she knows. She excused herself and asked if she could speak with me for a moment. As EVERYONE needs to speak to me for a moment I asked her to wait and let me finish my conversation. She giggled in embarrassment and walked away.

I'm not going to lie. In the five minutes that passed I had completely forgotten that she wanted to speak to me and was going to check in with the reception about a completely different matter when I saw her waiting for me there. Shit. Okay, See what she wants quickly and then get the info you need to make the calls. So I asked her if it was a quick question or if she needed privacy in my office. She started to stutter and babble and began to turn bright red. I may have unintentionally given the look that my mother trained me so well to give. You know the one that says "Hey dumbass. You are wasting my time!" She froze for a second and then muttered "I wanted to introduce you to someone." Now she is a woman in her early 40's. You could tell that before kids and divorce she was quite cute and she still has a funky style and haircut. Her friend was a bit older, or just greyer. I smiled and shook hands.

Okay, I know where this is going. He wants a job and is coming to see if there are any openings. I started running all the current and projected contracts through my head. In a thick Scottish accent he said "I'm glad to finally meet you. I've heard so much about you. She talks about you all the time"

Hmmmm. Original, I thought. Flattery. Yeah, I’m sure I can sort out something for this guy. I hope he's not a drunk. I responded cordially, "Oh Cindy is my little star. She's quiet but I know she got more. I don’t know what I'd do without her"

Now you and I both know that I'm such a big fat fucking fake. You can go ahead and puke, because I almost did in that very moment. To keep my balance I put my arm around her and gave a squeeze. I also wanted to slyly check my watch. I had wasted at least 2 minutes and was already getting bored. As I glanced over I got a glimpse of her face. She was bright red and grinning from ear to ear.

Cindy started speaking, but I couldnt hear her. I was starting to get confused. Why hadn’t he mentioned work yet? Why was she still blushing and acting like a teeny-bopper? And now he is staring at me? What does he want?

And then he said it "I love you jacket. It's gorgeous. Cindy said you were a great dresser. Oh my God Cindy, you were so right!" Ahhhh, ok, he wants my jacket. But that doesn’t make sense. WHAT THE BLOODY HELL IS GOING ON HERE?!?!?!?!??! I think they are making fun of me.

I gave a quick thanks. It came out far more dry then I imagined it would. Cindy mentioned I was really busy and I took the escape, agreed and walked away. As I walked away I heard, "Wow, you were right, she is so cool!" Which was replied to with "Yeah, I know, I'm so lucky to work here"

My first reaction...Those two bastards just played me like a fiddle. Who do they think they are?

Then it occurred to me that maybe they were serious. I am kinda funny sometimes. Also, I am wearing a particularly nice jacket today. Maybe they actually like me. Maybe if I would stop being so busy and listen to people more, I would see that I could have friends. Maybe If I didn’t assume that everyone only wanted something from me as opposed to just liked me, I wouldn't be so judgmental. Maybe Cindy is a really nice person that I should get to know better. Ok, she's a bit mousy and submissive, and she whines instead of actually speaking. Fine, I won’t be friends with her, but I could be more genuine and nice. At least that.

So in an effort to step things up a notch on all levels, I’m going to add the target of also being nice. Even when I'm in a hurry and have better shit to do. I will always make the effort to be nice. I may be getting played, but I may also be making someone’s day. I suppose its worth the gamble.

Smokers of the World

I'm gonna say it. You may or may not like it, but I'm gonna say it anyway, and I'm gonna say it so that there are absolutely no questions about my opinion on the subject.

Smokers of the World...

You Can Kiss My Fat Black Ass

There are no exceptions here. I may like you as a person, but know that the moment you turn your back, I will roll my eyes and I might even talk shit about you.

It's because you stink. You physically smell bad. No breath mints or Fabreeze will ever change that. You aren't fooling anyone. You smell like an ashtray no matter how careful you are about concealing it. Its like the zit on my chin. There is cover up on it, but we all know the deal. I popped it this morning when I shouldn't have.



But closet smokers are not my biggest itch. It's those of you who just smoke openly like you own the bloody earth. I've been in such a bitchy mood about this recently, that Ive started a little revolution. Every time someone near me starts smoking, I pick up my mobile and start fake screaming a conversation. I fake scream the conversation to the point of utter annoyance. Oh, I'm sorry, am I bothering you? Am I disturbing your moment? Am I giving you a headache? Funny how that works...

Excuse me? What? Oh, I can just move if I don't like your smoke? I Was Here First, Bitch. YOU MOVE!




Oh, and those of you you say "Do you mind if I smoke?" Lets see...Do you mind if I fart? I just ate a burrito with questionable beans and I've got one bubbling up. I realize that not everyone likes the smell of ferocious farts, so thats why I'm asking before I let all hell break loose. So do you mind?



And before you make yourself sound stupid with a self righteous response to this, just be aware that getting defensive only proves my point further. The only time people get defensive is when they are wrong and they feel that they are being attacked. So lets be clear, You are wrong and I am attacking you. You have no legitimate defense. You know it's a bad habit, you know you are addicted and you know it is annoying and harmful to others. You continue to do it because a) You couldn't give a crap about what you do in life and its effect on others or yourself; b) you know, but you "can't stop"; c) You don't actually believe smoking is bad

Ok,
a) Good, at least fess up to the fact that you are a bastard. I'll give you credit for that. I'm not here to transform anyone, just call things like they are.

b) Crack heads can stop smoking the pipe, so give me a God Damn Break

c) Go shack up with the President of Iran because in his crib gays dont exist and the holocaust didn't happen either...

Did I miss anything?

Party People, Let me know...